PARt 1: Family Court Isn’t My Family
By Andrew Carlan, Esq.
These columns appear from time to time in the course of my writing a
book for fathers and men in general on how to cut back on feminist
dominated family law litigation. You pay and get nothing for it. You’ll
get off easier if the judge never saw you. Everyone has quirks that
annoy others. So it’s harder to hate people we can’t visualize.
The book? It's coming along a quite a pace. I already have all the
pages numbered.
I had answers from men in so many different states of psychosis it
would be risky to give specific advice. But here are some general
observations I have collected over my life like highway litter.
I may not have any better answer than some of your more polished
lawyers do. But the inventive punishments family law and its Family
Courts think up on the spot for men never shocks me. The most
far-fetched tragedy not only happens. It is inevitable. However ghastly
your story ten thousand others fathers have the same story. Courts may
not be consistent on the law, but they certainly are consistent on
assuming the worst about men and then making every effort to twist the
facts to fit their preconceived notion.
I wouldn’t introduce a male client to Family Court anymore than I
would my daughter to a Bill Clinton. Family Court exists to save
self-styled mature females either faking stupidity or really being too
stupid to look after themselves.
New York family courts look like unsanitary day camps for mothers to
lose their children while waiting passively all day for nothing to
happen. Children are smarter than this, so they invariably get lost.
"Do you think we’ll ever find her," an abandoned toddler
asked a court officer. "I don’t know sonny. There are an awful
lot of places for her to hide."
Family Court judges love to terrorize all males who wander into enemy
territory. The divorce antics so far have left them dazed. They come to
court in tee shirts and sneakers with beer breath from a night of trying
to drown themselves in foam. Some females, on the other hand, dress up
like street-walkers even though they commandeered the family’s BMW for
the leisurely drive to Family Court valet parking. But once inside the
rancid-smelling building, their luck otherwise changes. They get steered
to old bulls on the bench who get a thrill out of playing Don Juan.
These are make-believe courts like kids playing with toy money. They
look like Mattel designed them and left them to deteriorate. They even
have a fun and games constitution. These Judge-Lite© judges commonly
associate with their state of health with the constitution as in "I
have a bad constitution." They think statutes are dead people on
pedestals. Codes are numerical combinations for raiding the safe down in
the basement.
Family Court reverses the normal trial procedure. Outside of
Stalinist Russia, these were the first courts to experiment with
executing defendants before trial and rehabilitating them after death.
Since Family Court usually has many limits, including jurisdiction,
dig in your heels and resolve all your financial and custody matters in
New York in Supreme Court. Other states may call it superior court. It
alone can grant divorces. Don’t say a word, make any motion or do
anything outside the courtroom that gives you wife’s lawyer a chance
to drag you into family court. Is Supreme Court impartial? Compared to
what? To the KKK? Remember, "It’s is easier to stay out than get
out." Mark Twain.
Do everything possible to steer clear of your wife. Give her no
excuse for dragging you into Family Court. Family Court issues Orders Of
Protection like policemen issue traffic tickets on the last day of the
month. Stay at least four states away from anywhere she might be. If you
see her on your side cross the street against traffic to the other side
even if its the Indianapolis Speedway. Don’t call your children after
hours. Hours end the same time they begin.
